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Having recently undergone surgery for colon cancer, I was reminded of things told to me by doctors that did not quite mesh with the reality I experienced.  Here are just a few.

Concerning vasectomy:

You are going to feel s slight burn – translation: you are about to feel like napalm has ignited in your crotch

Slight tug – translation: this is going to feel like I am trying to pull your teeth out through your scrotum

Concerning shots:

Small prick – translation: in all your days you will never again feel this much pain from something so small

You will get a small bruise from the injection – translation: this medication dosage is so large it will tear your butt cheek so badly you will not be able to sit on that side for three days.

slight burn – translation: again with the napalm

Concerning procedures:

You will feel lke you have been run over by a truck the day after surgery – translation: for days you will feel as though huge dump trucks are rolling over you 24/7

Sign here for permission to biopsy and dispose of anything we take out – translation: while we don’t intend for it to happen, accidents do occur and this lets us destroy the evidence.

This will not hurt a bit – translation: initiating massive pain response in five, four, three, two, one…

Even with these obvious dissimilarities between what was said and the experience, there are two things told to me that ring true, and I hold on to these truths and thank the doctors who said them.

Concerning vasectomy:

Ice is going to be your best friend – translation: Ice is going to be your very best and dearest friend

Concerning colon cancer surgery:

We are going to help you beat this cancer – translation: we are going to remove your whole colon and the cancer will no longer be in your body – rest easy.

Much like in the hospital, one day blurs into another and into another.  I have now been home three days and have even spent some effort and productivity on work.  I spend most of my time focusing on pain management (the drugs are really not very good), improving mobility and my diet.  I am on what is termed a Modified Low Residue Diet, which includes things like canned vegetables, no shells, peels, seeds or whole parts of anything – nothing fresh or wholesome.  The perfect combo for recovering from colon removal.

Still I am happy to be home and not in the hospital.  I know I can recover here faster than there.  I have access to the whole house and moving about even has a purpose, even if that purpose is rather self-serving at the moment.

The many many visitors I had while in the hospital made that painful transition so much more endurable.  Thank you all so much.  It would be shameful if I did not mention the support I received from my ever present, gentle, caring and loving wife, Sally.  Without her support my will to even try to get better would have flailed me constantly.  You can not begin to understand what she has had to do and endure on my behalf, and given the opportunity would have taken it upon herself to spare me the cost – remind you of anyone?  And of course, Willie, my pillar of strength – sometimes literally.  Constantly at the side or foot of my bed able to manage feats no mere nurse would ever be able to manage and without so much as breaking a sweat and saving me HUGE amounts of pain.  For those of you who do not know Willie, if you have seen the movie Crocodil Dundee, and remember the character Donk.  Well, that pretty much sums him, up – a big hulking brute of a man, but with the gifts of mercy and compassion and able to do quite a bit more than wack a few heads.

I have in my head more to say, some serious, some anecdotal, but I am tired now and need a painkiller and a nap…perhaps later.